Coastal View News
I walked out of “Jack the Giant Slayer”. It was not the
worst movie I have ever seen. And I bet some people—maybe even a lot of people—will
enjoy it. I simply could not take it. It was just bad enough, and bad enough in
all the wrong ways, that after about 87 minutes I could not bear it any longer.
I had to leave.
So here is what I know. “Jack the Giant Slayer” is mostly a
love story about Jack and Isabelle. Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is a poor farm boy,
and Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) is a rich princess; Isabelle just wants to be
normal, but Jack has had enough of normal.
Then this happens. Isabelle tries to hang with some
commoners, gets threatened, Jack defends her honor, Isabelle is impressed, Jack
finds out Isabelle is a princess, but princesses are not allowed to fall in
love with farm boys, they have to marry rich and evil advisors to good-hearted
but oblivious kings, but Isabelle seems to really like Jack, and Jack of course
really likes Isabelle, it’s really too bad, etc. Etc. (If you walk into the
theater late, just watch the first bit of “Aladdin” when you get home. Same
thing.)
Anyway, Jack thinks that is that. So he puts Isabelle out of
his mind and moves on with his day. And an eventful day it is. Jack sells his
horse to an antsy monk for some beans. Jack’s uncle is not happy about the
trade. So they fight. But it turns out that the beans are magical. So hey, maybe
it was a good trade after all.
Or not. One of the beans’ magical powers is to make a super
huge beanstalk when one gets wet. So what happens is Jack accidentally lets one
of the beans drop beneath his house, and then it rains, and you know, the whole
thing goes sky high. Not so good.
Oh, and as it turns out, Princess Isabelle, who is trying to
run away, finds her way to Jack’s house right before the incident. So although
Jack is left back on solid ground, the love of his life (that he just met) is
sent into the stratosphere. Again: not so good.
But every cloud has a silver lining; every peril is a hero’s
chance to save the day. Jack—along with the king’s man, Elmont (Ewan McGregor),
Isabelle’s future husband, Roderick (Stanley Tucci), and a few others—climbs
the beanstalk. It is a harrowing adventure, the ills of which are relieved only
by some spirited (albeit nauseating) bean- and beanstalk-related humor.
When the team of heroes reaches the top, they learn that
Isabelle has been abducted by a race of ugly, violent giants who eat their own
boogers. It does not look good for the rescuers. The giants are pretty tough.
Plus, Roderick turns out to be a baddie. So that doesn’t help. When it comes
down to it, all that stands between the good guys and utter ruin is a scrawny
farm boy named ‘Jack’.
Technically I don’t know whether or not Jack saves the day.
It is possible that they all die horrible deaths at the hands of the giants and
Roderick becomes ruler of the world. But I’m a betting man, and I bet that is
not how it turns out. I bet Jack comes up big, and I bet he gets the girl too.
Furthermore, I bet that if you had to bet, you would bet with
me. Why? Because you do not actually have to see this movie in order to know
that it is painfully predictable, riddled with clichés, and just so very
unoriginal. This movie—or the three-quarters of it I saw—is a slapdash bundle
of truisms and tropes that probably aren’t even true or right; and even if they
are true or right, my goodness, who cares?
Does this make “Jack the Giant Slayer” a bad movie? Well I
think so (but I also think the acting is bad and the target audience is unclear,
but now I feel like I am just being mean). Others may disagree. Or hey, maybe
the end of the movie is great.
