"Ted"

By Matt Duncan

Coastal View News

There is this guy. He is a nice enough guy, but he is also immature. He hangs out with his childhood buddies too much. He likes to goof off, get high and watch cheesy TV shows all the time. Well, not all the time. This guy also likes to spend time with his girlfriend, who is thoughtful and mature—a real catch, in fact. And sometimes this guy just wants to have a real, honest-to-goodness adult life. His girlfriend agrees, of course. She thinks he needs to grow up, ditch his old friends, and get a better job. But this guy’s friends disagree. They just want to let the good times roll. Conflict ensues.

This no doubt sounds like the most clichéd, cookie-cutter, wake-me-up-when-it’s-over movie imaginable—the kind of movie that most boys feel compelled to adore when they turn 16, but, thankfully, learn to despise by 22 (well, maybe 22 is a bit optimistic).

So let me try again. There is this guy. His name is John (Mark Walberg). John is nice, but immature. He goofs off, gets high, watches “Flash Gordon” all the time, has an impatient girlfriend, etc. But wait: there is a twist. John’s best friend, Ted (Seth MacFarlane), is a stuffed bear. What a twist, right? Yes, “Ted” is just that interesting.

The story begins when John was a little boy, when he made a wish that his stuffed bear Ted could talk to him (John was a loser back then). Poof! Ted comes to life. As you might expect, Ted is initially a sweet little toy with a high, cheery voice. He hugs people and says nice things, and he and John are best friends.

However, like John, Ted grows up, loses his innocence, and all that. Ted plays pranks, smokes pot, ogles girls and tells jokes that would even make Howard Stern blush. Howard Stern doesn’t blush. In short, a cuddly little bear transforms into a crass, mangy little thing. Ted is nice, sure, but he is more than a little rough around his seams.

All is well and good between Ted and John for quite some time. But after a while, John’s girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis), begins to grow tired of their antics. Lori is remarkably patient with John, but finally, after countless Teddy bear-induced fiascos, she decides that it’s either her or Ted. John is torn. On the one hand, John loves Lori more than anything. But who could say no to a stuffed bear who curses like a sailor?

There are several possible reasons why one would be tempted to see “Ted”. Some might go because they saw a cute movie poster of a man sitting next to a Teddy bear on a couch, and thought that the movie was going to be a touching and amusing family flick. That would be a mistake. “Ted” is shamelessly filthy and crass. It pushes boundaries for no other reason than to make people squirm.

Others might see “Ted” because they like the idea of a cute, cuddly Teddy bear who is just as foul as the rest of us. And I guess there is indeed something funny about a stuffed animal cursing at his boss and making sexual overtures to his co-workers.

Finally, many will see “Ted” just because the creator of “Family Guy” (Seth MacFarlane) made it—they cannot pass up on the idea of the voice of Peter Griffin emanating from a Teddy bear. If this is you, then you probably don’t care so much about whether the story is original (it is not), or whether the romance is touching (nope); you just want to know whether “Ted” is anywhere near as funny as “Family Guy”.

It is not. A movie like “Ted” shows us why it is a good thing that “Family Guy” is only 20 minutes long. For while there are some really funny jokes in “Ted”—jokes to make Peter Griffin proud—the rest of the film is long and laborious. Seth MacFarlane’s crass humor can be good in small doses, but when it is scattered throughout two hours of utterly mundane story telling, even a cursing, fighting, cocaine-snorting, alcoholic Teddy bear starts to get boring.